We all have that one toxic ex that left quite a dent in our lives and a huge hole in our hearts. He’s that former SO that you will forever be speaking of at reunions with friends and family. You know, that guy you never ended up with just because.

It gets complicated because women have the tendency to blame themselves for the breakup and for why it takes so long to heal and move on from a damaging relationship. We lay down the reasons why:

1. You lost some friends along the way.

One of the major indicators that you are in a toxic relationship is when you have to ghost on your close friends. When this happens, there’s a huge chance they won’t be able to warn you of the red flags in your relationship. You will be surprised that at the onset of the relationship, your guy seems perfect. The kind of boyfriend everyone in your group loves to have around. And then, you just realize he has isolated you from your squad and you feel miserable every single day.

What to do: Connect with your friends again. It is important that they are with you in your journey to keep you grounded and safe from an abusive relationship that will only hurt you in the long run. It is important that you have a group of close friends you can turn to, who will listen and make you feel cared for.  

2. Your self-esteem takes a nosedive.

Being in a toxic relationship makes you question your self-worth quite often even after the breakup. Getting treated poorly for even the smallest of things, like the way you dress or your choice of restaurant to get lunch from can have damaging effects on your identity.  Being in a relationship with a person who decidedly just treats you like trash every single day can crush your self-worth.

What to do: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take a mini-vacation, focus on things that make you happy. Get a new hobby and drive that negative energy into something productive. Understand that regaining your self-confidence may take time, so don’t rush things. Self-care is more important than what other people think of you.

3. Trusting others is proving to be a challenge.

When you’ve been in a toxic relationship for too long, learning to trust people can be difficult. Every guy who want to be friends with you will seem to have an agenda, an ulterior motive to just want to play with you. Everything just seems off and everybody around you untrustworthy.    

What to do: Distrust of others is normal after a toxic relationship. How do you get back to liking and trusting others again? Immerse yourself in new things. Try what scares you. Give in to the stuff that will make you question your gut feel. It will even be most helpful if you have friends and family to help you along the way.

Getting over an abusive and unhealthy relationship admittedly takes the longest time because it is in this connection that we lost so much of ourselves. It is also at this time when you should remember to love yourself more.